


I fell heavy in your arms

by 4thofFive



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 05:25:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2138631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4thofFive/pseuds/4thofFive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve's latest bit of insanity gives Danny a shocking realization and causes him to rethink his future with Five-0.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I fell heavy in your arms

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "I Will Wait" by Mumford and Sons.

Danny sat in the plastic chair in the darkened hospital room and stared at the motionless form of his partner on the bed. Steve was drugged to the gills and getting some much needed sleep. The down time was much needed for Danny too because he had no doubt that as soon as the head of Five-0 woke the next morning he’d be demanding to be released, cracked ribs, road rash and broken ankle be damned. Then it would be up to Danny to ride herd on his sorry ass and keep the idiot from doing something stupid and set his recovery back.

 

Danny was filled with a rage that threatened to crush him under its weight. The detective snorted humourlessly. On the bright side the rage had taken the place of the throat-clawing, heart-pounding terror he’d felt a few hours ago as he watched Steve being dragged by a car driven by their fleeing serial killer.

 

Danny didn’t know why he let this shit bother him so much. Seeing Steve doing something stupid and almost dying was a weekly occurrence.  Why was this time any different? The detective climbed to his weary feet and walked over to the window to gaze out at the Hawaiian night, his arms folded tightly on his chest.  The street in front of the hospital was busy with cars and brightly dressed pedestrians heading out for a light-hearted night on the town. Meanwhile Danny sat in this pea green coloured hospital room with his maniac partner who had once again cheated death.

 

The detective turned to glare at his friend wishing the dark-haired man would wake up so he could pummel him into unconsciousness again.

 

What the fuck was Steve thinking jumping on the car like that, especially when the area had been cordoned off and Zuccarello had nowhere to go? Steve was always doing stuff like this, always putting his life on the line for no discernible reason. It made Danny hate him – passionately. Except that Danny couldn’t hate the stupid bastard because he loved Steve. Like moon-eyed, hearts and flowers, don’t think I can live without you love. So who was the moron here, the super SEAL who was willing to throw his life away at the drop of a hat or the dumb mainlander who loved him?

 

Was Steve trying to die? Was that it? Danny shook his head in frustration at the thought as he scrubbed his hands through his already messy hair. His partner had seemed happier lately, more willing to smile and laugh. Even with Cath gone, which Danny thought would leave his friend heart-broken, Steve still seemed to be far more light-hearted.  Danny wished he could say it was because he and Steve had finally pulled their heads out of their asses and gotten together but that wasn’t it. Sure they’d messed around a bit, even had a few dates, but it never amounted to anything more and Steve seemed reluctant to take it any further even though Danny knew, KNEW, that Steve loved him.

 

The detective sighed in frustration as he leaned wearily back against the window frame. It was like Steve was so busy being a super hero that he didn’t have time for anything else in his life. Danny snorted in disgust. Maybe super SEAL was determined to carry on the McGarrett legacy of dying young and brav--.

 

Danny’s brain screeched to a halt and he jerked himself upright again. He stared at Steve in open-mouthed shock.  A horrifying new idea slammed into him and it was a punch to the gut.

 

**********

 

Steve blinked his eyes open to a sun bright hospital room feeling like he’d fallen over a cliff hitting every tree and ledge on his way down. Yesterday’s events came back to him in a rush when he caught sight of his casted ankle. He vividly remembered jumping on the side of the fleeing suspect’s car trying to grab the steering wheel through the open driver’s window. Steve huffed in wry amusement. It had seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

The Commander stretched slightly and groaned at the pain that caused. The stiffness and soreness after an accident was a bitch. He was an expert on that subject.

 

Steve shifted to make himself more comfortable and glanced around the hospital room jumping slightly when he caught sight of a quiet, unmoving Danny sitting in a chair next to the window. Since Danny was never quiet or unmoving, Steve was concerned immediately. That concern ratcheted up at the cold stare Danny was giving him.

 

“Hey,” Steve offered softly as if speaking louder might spook his partner.

 

“Hey.” Danny responded blandly.

 

The Commander cleared his throat and thumbed the bed controls to sit a bit more upright.

 

“Is everything ok?” Steve questioned.

 

Danny gave him a cold smirk.

 

“Of course, why would anything be wrong?”

 

Steve stared at his friend for a moment.

 

“Have you been here all night?”

 

Danny nodded his head slowly, his eyes drifting away from Steve’s face.

 

“Yeah. Dumb huh?”

 

Steve gave his partner a nervous smile.

 

“No man, that’s not dumb. It’s kinda sweet actually.”

 

“Yeah that’s me, sweet. Stupid and sweet.”

 

Steve furrowed his eyebrows at Danny’s weird, chilly behaviour. He expected an outraged rant about yesterday’s events, not this deathly calm. Steve licked his bottom lip nervously.

 

“Danny, what’s wrong?”

 

The detective shrugged and crossed one leg over the other letting his foot bounce, his eyes still avoiding Steve’s.

 

“I did a lot of thinking while I sat here last night and I had an epiphany. Not sure why it took me almost five years to understand all this but when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks.”

 

“Understand what?” Steve asked, almost reluctantly.

  
“I get now that your behaviour is not actually because you want to die…”  


“I’ve been telling you that all along…” Steve interrupted with a nervous smile but Danny continued on as if Steve hadn’t spoken. The blond man’s eyes were glued to the foot of Steve’s bed.

 

“It’s that you want to die dramatically. You want to go out in a blaze of glory that befits a Navy SEAL and Hawaii’s most admired and beloved native son; as befits a McGarrett man. No way you can bear the thought of dying in your sleep at the age of 85, oh no. Steven J. McGarrett needs to die a giant fucking hero. You want the kind of death that people will talk about for years to come; maybe they’ll even erect a statue in your name…”

 

Steve shook his head rapidly.

 

“Danny that’s not…”

 

Danny lurched to his feet and began pacing the room madly, hands flailing. The suppressed emotion he’d felt since he’d witnessed Steve’s reckless behaviour now bubbling to the surface once more.

 

“No Steven, that’s exactly what this is. Since you joined the Navy – maybe even before that – you’ve been the fixer, the tough guy, the one who swoops in, cape flying, to save the day. You’re the great and glorious Steve McGarrett. You have to be the toughest, the strongest, the bravest and the best. No mediocrity for you, nothing average. No retirement and puttering around in the garden for the great Lieutenant Commander McGarrett. When you die it has to be spectacular, it has to be memorable. It has to be you saving a building full of people or riding a nuclear warhead into the side of a mountain.”

 

Danny turned suddenly and punched a hole in the drywall of the hospital room, too angry and frustrated to feel the bruising and scraping of his flesh.

 

“Danny, stop it!” Steve shouted in horror pushing back the blankets covering him and swinging one leg over the side of the bed.

 

The detective swiveled back and gave Steve a glare that caused the dark-haired man to freeze before his foot touched the floor.

 

“I can’t fucking do this anymore Steven. I can’t watch you throw your life away. I can’t stand by you while you careen madly from disaster to disaster until you finally get the macho death you want.”

 

Steve tightened his hands into fists.

 

“That’s bullshit Danny. You make me sound like a nut. I’m not trying to get myself killed I’m doing my fucking job!”

 

Danny seemed to wilt at Steve’s words, his shoulders slumping in defeat. He stood in the middle of the room staring at his partner or a long moment, oblivious to the blood dripping from his injured hand onto the linoleum floor.

 

“That’s why you’re afraid to love anyone isn’t it?” Danny continued in an unsteady voice. “That’s why you kept Cath at arm’s length for so long. Part of you must have been relieved when she decided to stay in Afghanistan.”

 

Steve’s head jerked up and he flushed with anger.

 

“God damn it that’s not true. I tried to help her. I wanted to stay with her.”

 

“Not because you love her. You wanted to stay because you needed to be the knight in shining armour, you wanted to be neck-deep in the shit so if there was any violence, you would be the one to die – and you almost did.”

 

Danny placed his hands over his face began to slowly shake his head.

 

“You’re just…”Danny huffed a bitter laugh as he dropped his hands to his sides. Steve’s gut clenched at the tears pooling in his partner’s eyes.

 

“I guess I’d always hoped that you’d find someone you loved enough to want to live for them. Someone whose life and happiness mattered more to you than a heroic, dramatic death at a young age.”

 

Steve sneered at Danny, suddenly wanting to lash out to stop the flow of words Steve did not want to hear.

 

“Oh and I suppose you thought that would be you Danno, huh? Is that what this is all about? You’re pissed that I may not be interested enough in you to make some kind of life-long commitment?”

 

Steve watched the hurt flash in Danny’s eyes and saw the blond man swallow thickly.

 

“It doesn't have to be me, Steve,” the detective responded softly. “I may want…I would like…” Danny shook his head in self disgust and walked back over to the window to stare outside blindly. He took several deep breaths to calm himself. Finally he turned again to face his partner.

 

“Anyone. I would like you to find anyone who makes you happy. Who gives you the love and support you need. Who makes you want to live to a ripe old age, or if you don’t, who can at least be sure that you didn't take stupid chances and did everything you could to survive.”

 

Danny crossed his arms on his chest and tucked his hands under his biceps to hide the fact that they were shaking.

 

“I love you Steve. I want you to be around for a long time to come. I want you to be at Gracie’s wedding. I want you to be a great uncle to my first grandchild. Hell I want you to have your own grandchildren. Even if you’re not there with me I want you to be there with someone who makes you happy and gives you the life you deserve.”

 

Steve pressed his lips together in a tight line and look pointedly away from his partner’s grief-torn eyes.

 

“I don’t know what you want from me. I’m just doing my duty,” Steve replied a touch petulantly.

 

Danny stared at his friend for a long moment, only the sound of his harsh breathing audible in the room. He turned away and walked to the door and opened it wide. Danny paused, not looking back.

 

“My request for transfer will be on your desk by this afternoon.”

 

 Danny walked out of the room letting the door close softly behind him.

 

**********

 

Steve shoved open the glass doors leading into Five-0 and limped determinedly towards Danny’s office, the cane in his hand giving him extra support along the way.  As he approached the doorway to his partner’s office he watched the blond man typing madly on his computer keyboard. Something told Steve that Danny was typing gibberish as a way to keep his attention away from Steve.

 

The SEAL entered Danny’s office and hobbled in as forcefully as a cast and his aching body allowed. He wanted desperately to sit down but chose instead to loom over his partner’s desk.

 

Danny pushed his chair away from the computer and turned to glower up at Steve.

 

“Steve will you please just…”

 

Steve raised the hand that wasn't clutching the cane and held it palm out.

 

“No. You've had your say, now I’m going to have mine,” Steve announced, his voice making it clear he would brook no interruptions.

 

Danny sighed and sat back in his chair, arms folded defensively on his chest and eyes glued to a spot on the wall just beyond Steve’s right shoulder.

 

“You’re wrong about me,” Steve began then stopped immediately. He shifted more weight to his good foot to take the pressure off his broken ankle. “Or you’re…you’re not entirely right. You just don’t understand,” Steve continued, forcing himself to be calm. “It’s not that I want to die or I’m purposely trying to die a heroic death it’s….”

 

Steve chewed his bottom lip contemplatively for a moment while he watched Danny’s eyes flicker over to his face then away.

 

“OK,” Steve continued finding himself suddenly tongue-tied. “I guess…I’ve always  believed I would die young, always felt it was fated because of the work I do so I figured that I might as well die a good death, one filled with meaning. Maybe that sometimes made me a little…less cautious than I should be…”

 

Danny scowled and opened his mouth to speak but Steve raised his hand once more.

 

“Still speaking, Danno.”

 

Danny made a face but closed his mouth.

 

“Yesterday I _possibly_ made an error of judgment.”

 

Danny snorted and shook his head. Steve could stick his hand in an open flame easier than he could admit a fault.

 

“I saw Zuccarello starting to get away and I just…I reacted. I should have had more faith in the HPD and their road block. I should have had more faith in the team around me but it was a reaction, that’s all. I wasn't trying to get killed.”

 

Danny tightened his jaw and dropped his eyes to the desktop trying to mask the raw emotion that washed over him at the memory of Steve being dragged by that car.

 

“The thing is,” Steve bent over slightly to prop himself up on the desk, suddenly feeling a bit weak. “I’m used to being in command and I’m used to making the first move – putting myself in danger first. And it was easier,” Steve took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It was easier to do when I had accepted that I was destined to die young. I used to be pretty much ok with that idea up until about five years ago when I came back to Hawaii to bury my father and ended up finding a family.”

 

As Steve watched Danny’s eyes softened and his lips twitched in the briefest suggestion of a smile.

 

Steve let out a shaky breath and straightened up to wipe the back of his hand across his now damp brow.

 

“Steve?” Danny asked nervously, glancing up to see his partner wobble slightly. Worried in spite of himself, he quickly rose to his feet as Steve blanched.

 

“I just…need to sit down for a moment,” Steve mumbled reaching behind himself blindly for a chair. Danny skirted around the desk and took Steve’s arm firmly and guided the taller man backwards until he was seated in one of Danny’s leather office chairs.

 

Steve sat with a sigh and dropped his head to the back of the chair and closed his eyes for a moment. Danny hurried out of the office and got Steve a glass of water from the kitchen tap before jogging back to his friend. He knelt in front of his partner and held the glass up for Steve to take. The Commander gave his friend a weak smile and took several gulps of the water before setting the glass aside on a small table next to the chair.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Stupid fool,” Danny grumbled, rising to his feet again and glaring down at his partner. “You should be home resting.”

 

Steve squinted up at his best friend, rubbing his temples against a threatening headache.

 

“I couldn't go home,” Steve whispered. “I couldn't go home knowing you wouldn't be there or that…or that you didn't want to be around me anymore.”

 

Danny sighed and moved around Steve to sit heavily in the other guest chair.  The two men sat quietly for several moments.

 

“What you said, about me being afraid to get close to anyone, that part is true and right,” Steve began speaking softly, his chin dipping down to his chest. “Because I always believed I would die young I never wanted to get involved with anyone - even Cath.  I loved her but I couldn't allow myself to be in love with her.”

 

“Maybe you could now if you tried,” Danny replied carefully, not really wanting to say the words.

 

Steve shook his head firmly.

 

“No. No, I did try.  When I realized I was happy being in Hawaii and maybe I could let go of my fears and build a life here I thought I could try to love Cath but I couldn't. It was too late because by then…” Steve ran a slightly shaking hand over his face. “By then I was in love with someone else.”

 

Danny sat frozen for a moment, afraid to speak in case Steve’s next words were not what wanted to hear.

 

Finally the SEAL shifted on the chair and looked squarely at his partner.

 

“I love you, Danno.”

 

The detective licked his lips nervously and tried to slow his rapidly beating heart.

 

“But you keep me at arm’s length all the time. It’s like you don’t want to get involved with me. You say you love me but I’m not sure you let me get any closer than you let Cath.”

 

Steve reached out and grabbed Danny’s unbandaged hand clutching it like a lifeline.

 

“I was afraid, Danny. I wanted to protect myself but I also wanted to protect you from my death. But you, naturally, climbed over and kicked through my defensive walls, no matter how hard I tried to keep you out. I couldn't stop myself …” Steve squeezed his eyes shut and Danny gripped his hand tighter, “from falling in love with you. And that scares the shit out of me.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you make me want to live so badly, you and Grace. For the first time I can imagine myself as an older man bouncing Grace’s children on my knee.”

 

“Is that so terrible?”

 

Steve gave a soft, almost melancholy smile.

 

“No, it’s far from terrible. It’s just that I’ve always been afraid to dream like that. I’ve been afraid to let myself have what I want because I was sure I would be ripped away from it and leave a trail of devastation in my wake.”

 

Danny breathed softly for a moment as he stared at Steve. He had the feeling the next moments would make or break his relationship with Steve, as in if he couldn't make it work, it would break him.

 

“I get what you mean babe. I’ve had the same feelings in my life.”

 

Steve looked up with such a look of surprise Danny had to smile in spite of himself.

 

“What? Being a cop isn't exactly the safest job in the world Steven, especially in a place like Newark. Before I asked Rachel to marry me and when I found out she was pregnant I worried about the same things you worry about – what if I die? What happens to them? How will they carry on?”

 

Danny gave a fatalistic snort.

 

“Rachel ended up having the same worries and they caused her to leave me.”

 

“How did you deal with them?” Steve asked hopefully.

 

Danny shrugged.

 

“Life is about living, not dying. None of us knows how long we have to live. We can’t spend our time preparing to die. I guess I hoped that, for however long I had with them, Rachel and Grace would have good memories and would know how much I loved them.”

 

Steve nodded slowly but didn't yet seem convinced.

 

“I guess I always thought it was better to keep people at arm’s length – to protect them from any pain my death might cause,” Steve admitted quietly.

 

Danny lifted Steve’s hand to his mouth and kissed the knuckles gently.

 

“Well you didn't do a very good job of that babe because you have so many people who love you – Grace, Chin, Kono…and me. Most of all me. Would I be devastated if you died? Of co—“Danny choked up and had to clear his throat before he spoke again. “Of course I would. The thought is almost unbearable. But I’d rather be with you for however much time we would have together than never have you at all.”

 

Steve couldn't help the tears that filled his eyes at Danny’s words. The truth was his partner was offering him everything he ever wanted in his life – if Steve had the courage to grab for it. He stared at Danny for a long moment looking for any traces of doubt. Steve smiled brightly and climbed to his feet, a suddenly worried looking Danny scrambling up to provide support in case his partner faltered again.

 

“If we’re going to spend our lives together we should start right away, Danno. Take me home?”

 

Danny grinned and stepped into the circle of Steve’s arms being sure not to hug his partner too tightly in deference to the cracked ribs.

 

“Let’s go home babe.”

 

 

The end.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
